Years ago as I sat across from my counselor for the first time, I remember her asking me to share a little bit about why I was there…
It’s funny because before I’d walked into her office that day I could’ve told you every reason I needed to be there.
But that day, that question-left me speechless.
Why was I there, I wondered?
After all how can you wrap words around the deepest places of your wounded soul? Which part of broken does one begin to tell the stories with?
Everything I said sounded so disconnected.
As if I’d shown up unprepared.
I don’t really remember the details of the words I spoke but there was one word I repeated over and over.
It was the word ‘healthy’.
Up to that point ‘healthy’ was a description that didn’t reflect any semblance of my heart. It was a stale longing within.
And yet I reminded myself…
I‘d done the brave thing and showed up that day.
And if you’ve ever had to be brave enough to walk into a counselor’s office with your heart pounding inside, you know what it took for me to be there.
I suppose its a fear of being known by someone so intimately and even the intimidating work of finding one’s self underneath the wreckage within.
A fear of what I’d learn and of letting go of things I’d held onto for years.
But after the initial quickening of my pulse there was something freeing about speaking these words.
Being known isn’t always what we think it is.
Sometimes it can be as if we’re releasing a valve that our heart is needing.
I anticipated it being much harder and more embarrassing much like the dreaded teenage years. When I was deathly afraid of when my period might arrive and I wouldn’t be prepared…I’d heard plenty of horror stories of girls being in history class staining their pants to know I couldn’t bear that kind of humiliating exposure.
But as I kept speaking the word ‘healthy’ I remember a desire growing within.
Why is it we crave to be healthy and yet often remain in some of the most deteriorating states of being?
I suppose it’s because we don’t see it like it is.
We convince ourselves we aren’t digressing, that we’re remaining steady in our holding patterns.
And yet its those who are closest to us who usually see us most accurately.
Do you know my husband whom I adore and trust with my whole heart has never told me I didn’t need to walk myself into counseling when I’ve felt a prodding to go?
He’s never said, ‘No, you don’t need that.’
And I truly believe its because he celebrates growth in every person he meets.
And he loves me way too much to leave me where I am.
I suppose its because he knows if I grow and become healthier
-we’ll grow and become healthier too.
I can honestly say I didn’t know what I needed that day I walked into my counselor’s office.
I just knew I was ‘in need’.
In need of healing.
In need of wisdom.
In need of empathy and compassion.
In need, because there had been pieces of the wiring of my soul that had been cut off and disconnected…
And sometimes that’s the best place to begin the process of being re-membered.
What I found that day in that small simple room was something of a far greater magnitude than the plain white walls encompassing me…I found a piece of myself.
I found that…
It’s okay to be me and to be loved and to find love sitting across from me in the presence of another wise human being.
And although sometimes its in the quiet spaces of a closet crying out to God I find pieces of my heart, there are other times in the wide open spaces that someone helps me peer inside my wounds that I find the most soulful healing.
Because our lives are rarely what they seem.
They’re full of beautiful and hard moments and everything in between but they’re also amazingly real.
And what’s even more beautiful than this, is this is the kind of stuff that brings our human hearts together and causes us to seek healing from God.
Because within our heart is a little piece of someone else’s.
I started a journey of becoming healthier that day and I am committed to this road of restoration…
Where healing’s found and where God uses our hard to care for another.
It’s on this road I’ve unraveled some brokenness and even ran my fingers over wounded places I’ve never felt before….
I’ve encountered feelings buried in the depth of my soul and I’ve had the joy of experiencing what healthy feels like and its got me yearning for more…
Because the work is worth it.
Because we’re worth it and our people are worth it.
Because when we live with souls that are wholly given we’re able to whole-ly live.
Because everything that’s lost can be found.