Thursday’s Thread: Will I ever be enough?

Ever feel like you’re not enough?

Some days I struggle with this more than others.
Not smart enough….pretty enough…skinny enough…tall enough…good enough…not enough at home, work or in our friendships…
we’re just never quite enough for what ever it is we’re doing and there seems to always be someone who is doing it better…climbing further and running past us.

I’ve listened to plenty of hearts tell me these words to know there’s a whole lot of us sifting through our inadequacies and letting them swallow us up at night.

Our striving to be enough comes from a deeper part of our soul where our sense of belonging rests…it’s in this secret place we crave to know we are valued and matter. 

When I was younger I always wanted to be an amazing athlete. But no matter how hard I tried or how many hours I practiced, there was always someone better…I longed to be discovered and to stand out, but often felt overlooked.

Then when I became a Mom it was no different….

I seemed to always be traveling a few steps behind the other Moms.
You know the kind….
the ones whose kids know 5 languages and they’re able to write their name in cursive before they’re three.
While back at our house my kids were discovering new ways to string GI Joe from the light fixture and see how many frogs they could fit in a rubber boot.
While I was cleaning mud off the floors and begging God to help me find a way to keep four active boys occupied without permanently hurting one another or letting them play video games all day…
of course there were those days too!

I’ve wasted so many days wanting to be enough that I’ve missed living…

It’s been in the moments I’ve set aside my striving that I’ve found abundant life.

It was a hot summer day and the boys were all in their rooms for a little R & R. That’s what we called ‘Rest & Relaxation’ time, another name for nap time or let your Momma ‘Rest & Relax’ time.
Although I was missing my chance to rest because I had lined up a whole list of tasks for the afternoon. One of those was washing out the trash cans.
Why on earth I thought this was necessary I’m not sure.
There hadn’t been any rotten food left in them or an urgent call for it to be done.
My ‘need’ to do this was part of a much greater need to be enough.
I had prayed earlier in the day for God to bring someone into my day that I could share His love with…how this evolved into cleaning my trash can is beyond me.
As I was walking out the door that afternoon to begin this daunting task my phone rang and it was a young girl from our youth group.
She asked if she could come over that afternoon and talk.
Although I told her yes I felt torn…I knew if I met with her the tasks I had set out to do that afternoon would stay undone.

As I hung up the phone my heart was still in a bit of a frenzy.
You see what was in some strange way feeding my ‘not enough’ tank was getting things done and trying to be the ‘perfect’ wife, Mom etc.

But isn’t this how it can sometimes be?
In our pursuit to be someone else we lose who we are…
We believe the lie…. what we do equates with who we are.
I was exhausting my weary self trying harder to be better.
I went to great lengths to clean enough, pray enough, parent enough and all the while feeling like I wasn’t enough.
As I stood there torn and frustrated I felt a tugging on my heart and I heard God whisper ever so gently but firmly to my aching self…’you’re enough..all of you with me is enough’. It hung on me as if it was pulling me down…. I sunk to the carpet sprawled out before God
and I laid down all I was trying to be…
all my striving in vain…
the emptiness that felt like I’d never be enough pleaded with God to fill my brokenness and mend my splintered heart.
No more apologies needed for who I’m not…it was time for me to fully live.

When I was younger I can remember the words that stung this story trader’s heart.
I was told I talk too much.
Sifting through those words on the other side of wholeness I am fully certain that God put a crazy amount of words into my heart because He has a story to be written….no need to be saying sorry for something He’s doing.
It’s odd how people can sometimes view our tiresome traits.
If only I would have been inspired to find my voice… for life gets birthed when people are shown who they are.

Those who are told they’re too much are those God uses to awaken a sleeping world.

Yet it’s within our most broken & vulnerable moments that we are being prepared…
That afternoon that young girl didn’t need me to be perfect, to measure up.
What she needed was someone who had lived a few more years longer than her and who loved her enough to travel the hard road ahead with her.

I’m humbled every time I recall that afternoon.
She had bravely drove down our country road and stepped onto my porch to share the hard news that there was a sweet little baby growing inside of her…yes, no small need…no task comes before this kind of braving a storm where shame could have driven her away…every one of us needs someone in our times of courage so we know we don’t walk alone.

This is where God calls our hearts to be rendered to Him, not tangled all up in working out our worth.

We can often overcompensate for not feeling enough…
by being too much.

I learned a very valuable lesson that day.
Not only am I truly enough….my belonging doesn’t come from striving, it comes from choosing to be present and engaged with others.
For it’s here where our hearts are broken wide open for others and we experience the compassion of Christ, where our courage gets shaped by our pain.
I am enough for that which is far beyond my abilities because God who lives in me is more than enough.
My ‘need’ to clean out my trashcans that day was in no comparison to the life that needed saved that day…or the soul that needed restored.

…..Oh Lord please let our tasks not become what fills our thirsty souls…quench us with your living water…the pouring in and pouring out of our souls.

The fear of not being enough is our desperate cry to be seen and to be known!

Oh Lord how many of us are just wanting to be seen…Sisters may we look away from our phones long enough to see each other and speak boldly into each other…look around at your people they’re needing you to speak into them…because purpose is not something to be earned it’s something we awaken. We were made for this kind of community.

When we give away we receive! 

God’s not calling for us to be unseen but for Him to be seen.
He will always be seen when we quit striving to be more.
So many of us think the way of the cross calls for us to hide, but it doesn’t. Rather God  calls us to be vessels to illuminate His love to a hurting world.
It can be frightening living a life abandoned to God… resting in Him.
There’s something to ‘Rest & Relaxation’ time…
I’m learning to find this more and more these days.

Our world is so broken and is calling for us to meet it in its pain…it’s needing us to love whole-heartedly even if our hearts are broken too. For it’s in these times of pouring ourselves out that we’re able to be refilled by our loving Father in Heaven.
For deep heart-healing happens when we love with our whole broken hearts rather than half-hearted love any day…it’s where our brokenness becomes the gift God intended for it to be.

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