The end of the school year has me all caught up in its happenings.
Funny how beginnings and endings
have a way of doing that…
my emotions range from feelings of crazy grace to inklings of unwanted sorrow.
I’m continually amazed
how God has let a busted up woman
raise a house full of boys into such
grace-filled men. 
But God has a way of bringing
the dead back to life
and restoring us for His greater purpose.

Yet intertwined within the beauty of my restoration and new life is a somewhat hindrance of grace. For inside the beautiful rebirthing of my soul I’m finding a loose strand….a remnant from my past surfacing. In the midst of recent loss and the impending losses down the road I am reminded how growth is part of our forever story. It takes my heart folding itself this morning intoa surrendered position for me to look into the internal work of my heavenly Father. This is not a moment fordoubt…..For a rendering of my heart is needed to expose and heal.It’s a time for me to go back to the beginning with God and wander in the garden a little longer with Him.

For the fourth and last time…this fall I’ll be leaving a big piece of my heart in a dorm room as we drop our youngest son off at college.

I’ve often been asked,
if it gets easier with each one.

I’m not sure Ive ever experienced the easier part of this….Each one of our sons has brought something so unique and special to our family that their loss was equally felt.

But, I will say the reality of life after this one leaves has me a bit undone.
It’s as if a corner of my life is being unraveling…. Don’t misunderstand me I still have a lot of life to live within the grief it’s just the process of unfolding what I’ve known for so long. I recalled the many times I’ve experienced this familiar feeling and how quickly I’ve attempted to fill in its spaces…..that I wonder what I will fill myself with this time...
I recall my husband’s all too familiar words….

We don’t raise them to keep them.’

This truth haunts me, I know he’s right but my soul wants to hang on…
But for how long is long enough…I wonder?
This boy right here is so ready to fly away just like each one of his brothers were.
There comes a time within each heart
-what is calling them forth is louder than the lullabies they’re leaving.
And it’s here in this bend in the road that I must release him to do what God has laid so heavily upon his heart.
The more I see hints of him perching
the more my heart wants to linger longer yet I know it is time…..

So at the beginning of these lasts, I am pondering a heartfelt question which is roaring inside of my chest….
Can I do this?’
Sure I’ll physically and emotionally get through this season but will I be better on the other side?
Don’t we all want to come out of our fires unsinged from the pain and better than we came in?
Like Daniel and his friends when they exited the fiery furnace…not a hint of the fire could be smelled. Oh to not have the scent of our trials on us as we emerge from them seems so right…
And yet sometimes God allows the fragrance of our struggle to draw others into our story with us. 

As I thought through this process that’s been tugging at my heart…. I wonder, what investment do I have wrapped up in all of this…. has making lunches, etching Bible verses upon their hearts and the mounting laundry baskets
become… who I am?

Has my daily role in their life somehow submerged into who I am?
Has my avoidance of getting lost in worldly titles caused me to get wrapped up in an identity crisis of my own?
In the midst of grieving the loss of my sweet Dad and the loss of being known as his child crashed me into this crazy intersection in life once again asking….Who am I?

Perhaps its what’s lying around many of our lives; some loose pieces of our identity have gotten embedded into our roles.

Have I staked too much of who I am in what I’ve been called to do?

As a Mom when our children’s achievements and behaviors regulate our emotions and our peace starts unraveling this is an indicator that our identity has gotten misplaced.
When our value is found in raising perfect kids and our peace becomes dependent on their performance rather than resting in Christ… It’s in these moments we feel stuck, when we aren’t where we thought we would be and neither is anyone else in our tribe…It’s in these places of discontentment that our identity can get out of whack.

Somewhere in my giving over…training…leading…serving…I’ve traded in this beautiful thing called Motherhood to define myself. It’s an easy thing to do. When we hear all day long… ‘Mom, can you do this…Mom, where is my…?’
We can forget the woman God created us to be reaches farther than our daily tasks.
That stirrings of our heart is God trying to awaken His call within us….His defining and refining of us.

Oh sweet Momma’s listen to what the Spirit is calling you to…yes be ever-so-present in your role as Mom, for the days take so long but the years fly by so quickly…but inside those days don’t lose yourselves. Yes, you’re their
Momma but you’re first and foremost
a Child of God…

The question doesn’t become whether I love my children more than God…it lies in where my love is rooted. My love for my children is best expressed through my deep love for God…He fills me up so that I can pour His love out upon them. When I confuse this order my identity becomes grounded in my role rather than in Christ.
And yet my love for God and my children are not in opposition or divided; they’re instead an extension of my love from God.

I remember one of my ever so tall boys towering over me in his dorm room as he looked deep into my eyes and said in his ever-changing voice,
‘You’re more than just our Mom, you’ve got a whole world out there that needs you!’
I knew in that moment if what I thought was hidden down deep filling my heart was coming to surface I needed an adjustment in what was defining me…my identity.
There’s immense beauty in a woman being able to fall apart so that she can let God put her pieces back together again…here is where vulnerability and the mercy of God meet. 

I am sure any task we do in Kingdom work has the potential of becoming a defining season for us…this includes the sweet and hard days of Motherhood too.

As I look down the road to my days ahead of empty beds and stilled rooms I can walk through these days confidently knowing there will be sadness but joy will come as well.

For God heals us and He fills us and when we feel like life is not enough He has a way of showing up ever so tenderly. You see to expect the future days to painlessly come would be to diminish the sacrifice & love that’s been lived inside them for the past 27 years.

When we love deeply we grieve deeply!

So as grief has come through my door before I expect it will be with me once again…and because nothing that has caused such work and prayer passes by without notice, neither will this transition of my life. I can fully trust in God that the impending season we are about to enter will be full of His blessings and joy as well as some sad moments.
Grieving people significantly in our lives places value upon all they have meant to us.
It also gives our days in the future the space they need to become great and filled with new beginnings.

So I will let my heart rest knowing….
There’s something sacred about doing the next thing even when it feels terribly ordinary and mundane in comparison to our days lived up to now.
Within these beautiful days we’re able to see glimpses of the seedlings we’ve been sowing for years. It’s in this season we see the harvest of our late nights and hours of heart wrenching prayers….These are truly the treasured days to come!

2 thoughts on “Thursday’s Thread: Heartbeats of home

  1. I love this Ruthann. It expresses what I’ve been sensing at work in me as I live out this enormous change I find myself in.


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