‘Do you trust Him?’
God has always been someone I looked up to….someone who has provided all I need….someone I could lean into and someone I even worshiped.
Yet it wasn’t until I had walked into my thirties that this question became real to me…
And years later those words still ring boldly in my ears….
My husband was direct in his question to me that day and
I so wanted to answer him confidently,
‘Of Course I Trust God!’
But there were so many emotions running through my chest that I couldn’t even mutter the words.
So, my husband prodded a little harder….
‘Ruthann has God ever proven Himself untrustworthy to you?’
I thought hard and long about this question. It even took me years to find my answer. It wasn’t that I hadn’t seen God do some amazing things in my life, it was just I held onto some hard situations and events of my past that challenged his question.
My heart was tugging against this quandary.
‘Do I trust God?….Has He ever proven Himself untrustworthy?’
These were such complicated questions….
life can be so hard, we all have desires we wish would turn out differently….
the hard, the suffering….the betrayal….the tragedies.
They all line the layers of our thoughts….
I know God didn’t create suffering, pain or even death….
None of them are part of His plan,
yet brokenness and evil creeps into all of our lives and this can cause our complete trust in Him to be threatened too.
……..like what happens when a baby dies far too soon and
a woman’s longings are left barren,
or when a defenseless life stands alone and no protection arrives or
you find yourself fighting a deadly disease that seems to be winning over your body?
…..it’s here we catch our breath, wondering where is God?
As I was searching for resolve to my husband’s inquiry I recalled a hard event from my childhood that continued to surface with this question. So I began searching for God’s protection in the loss of my innocence.
As I skimmed through the details of this memory, I caught shadows of Him there with me, I began to recognize a hint of His presence and where I once thought I was all alone, abandoned in my shame- I suddenly began seeing glimpses of His love.
Emptiness became a shield that was engulfing me, there lying curled up in my pain my Heavenly Father was covering me from…..
….in my shattered mess the outlines of His fingerprints were all over me.
Rather than questioning where God was I fell onto my knees in humble worship praising God for protecting me from MORE pain, MORE hard than I could have ever had to bear.
So although the damage was done, there came an ending to my suffering as God Himself was crouched down beside me and over me as He spoke the words,
‘No More!’ to my offender and I was freed from His grasp ever again.
This truth I learned from my husband’s question that day is what is carrying me through my hard days now.
As my Dad is passing through his last days with us, he asked me to type these words to each of his 23 grandchildren…whom he’s entrusting to God……
’Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, soul and mind, so I can be with you in Heaven. Love you!’
……what words will fall from your lips as you close the last chapter of your life here?
My Dad continues to teach me in these days more than ever before and my heart cries out with all my being, as I confidently exhale relief beside my Dad…..
’Yes, I trust you Lord more than ever before!’